I’ve been playing a few hours of Dark Souls 3 the past couple of days and it’s pretty fucking hard. Some parts are genuinely difficult while others I feel are incredibly cheap. Coming across a chest that’s actually a mimic is complete and utter horseshit because it kills you instantly. The next time I came to the chest, though I knew what I was in for, I was only a little more prepared for it but I still had to bloody murder the thing. Should you die you need to go back to your last Bonfire and fight your way to the mimic yet again then try and fight the mimic once more. Rinse and repeat basically.


The first time I came across the mimic I was playing co-op with my brother who “suggested” to go over to this chest and open it because it has loot. I did and I died. He laughed, I raged. I don’t like my time to be fucking wasted! I haven’t got enough hours in the day to cover most topics/reviews for this site as much as I’d like and I wanted to do co-op run to get an idea of what the game is like. I achieved this but I also got an insight into how big of a dick my brother is.


As we were playing he expected me to know the small nuances of the game. An example of this would be when we jumped off a ledge into a room that had 3 large skeletons holding large spears who get aggro’d when you lunge off the ledge. He expected me to know to roll into the other room straight away and when I ended up in a “Skelly Gangbang” and died he sounded as if his time was being wasted… as if I had offended him by dying! I quote “I forgot you were a scrub at this, I’m usually used to co-oping with people who know how to play the game


Giant Stone Middle Finger



However his attitude to how crap I am at Dark Souls seems to be consistent with a lot of regular Souls players. “How could you not know that would happen?”, “Why would you look up parts of the game to get better, you should figure it out on your own”, “I am a massive tool!”. These are but just a few things that tend to come out of these pricks’ mouths, my brother notwithstanding. How I knew he was going to be an asshole about this was when I had made my first character, he recommended I play as the deprived class. When I kept dying over and over because this is the hardest class to play with, his reaction was “rekt, kappa“. The fuck does that even mean?!


Now this could just be the fact that as I’ve gotten older I appreciate games more when they don’t waste my time for no fucking reason. It could also be that with my general 9-5 job mixed in with the podcast and the reviews on the site I tend to have small windows to play games for enjoyments sake. So when a game or someones in a game spends their time trolling me for their enjoyment it kills any desire I have to play with them or the game for that matter. Yeah it might seem like I’m just bitching here and I am, because it’s incredibly fucking annoying. I don’t mind dying to an enemy that I face because I know that’s part and parcel of the game. I also know from Manny’s experience with the original Dark Souls that when you die you have to do an area all over again.

I like to feel as if I’ve progressed through the game I’m playing at an okay pace. I don’t need to go up 10 levels in the space of an hour but some progression is massively welcome. This is the game’s biggest draw back but is also part of the reason people play the game. This is the only barrier to entry in this game if I’m completely honest. The repetition of the same area for hours on end is incredibly frustrating. There is no difficulty curve per se but some enemies are harder than others mostly due to sheer health reasons. Others transform into great big hulking beasts when you go near them so you only have the option really run away in those situations. What is cool though is that other players will leave messages on the ground. You can read these messages and often they will be small tips or hints. It was after my first death at the mimic that I noticed the note on the ground that said “mimic ahead” and immediately went “YUUUUPP”.


Dark Souls 3 - Turn back message

Seriously fucking turn back mate


I like Dark Souls 3 and I enjoy playing it though co-op does make the game a lot easier but apparently playing co-op also increases the chance of invasions. Invasions are other players in the world showing up in your game and trying to kill you because “teh lolz”. Fuck you, ya massive anal fart! I spent 20 minutes in one fractional area of the tower because some cunt wanted us to run out and aggro the hulk-monster waiting for us outside the tower. The main issue I have with this is that the invading player cunt won’t get attacked by the random mobs because he is treated as a mob. I do feel like I have wasted my time playing the game so far but I am looking forward to sitting down and doing a solo run when I have time and this time I will be playing in offline mode so all the cunts can fuck off! There’s not a lot to say about it really I am still on the first level just beyond the tutorial and even though I’ve killed that level’s boss, with help from my cunt brother, I still feel like I could have accomplished a lot more on my own. At least I feel I could have gotten better and less panicky when it came to surprise fights had I been playing on my own. It’s great when you have someone there who can stem the tide of death coming towards you due to experience but it takes the urgency, thrill out of the game. There is no edge to the fights because by the time you get to the enemy you want to kill the other player has done it and all you do is press A for loot almost all of the time.


I highly recommend you try Dark Souls 3 though especially if you like gigantic difficulty curves! Wait, not curves. Walls! There is just one difficulty and it’s a wall you bash your head against until you get dizzy, insane and think that this is the norm.


I know it seems like I’ve ragged on the game throughout but there’s something indescribable drawing me to play the game some more. It could be that I know I can get better and want to try. It might be because I feel I’ve been robbed of some of the enjoyment the game has to offer by a bell-piece who thought it would be funny to troll someone in a game that is already frustrating to play as it is. Not only that but it’s a waste of my fucking time. “We have all of life to play this game”. No. Not when I have to go to work in the morning and write a Dark Souls piece by tomorrow! My time to me is incredibly precious, a sentiment those who have time cannot comprehend! Why don’t we have a place where I can just fucking buy more time to do all the shit I want! The solo run might change my attitude toward the game because I can go at my own pace and do shit my way.


The one thing you can’t change my mind on, is that all Dark Souls players are the biggest assholes in the world! Boom! “Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating”


Image source – middle finger