Hey, wait. Where are you going? No, please, come back. It’s not that bad I promise! Still here? Good! Now that I have some form of commitment from you, it’s time to talk about Vin Diesel’s Wheelman, the 2009 open world sandbox game in the same vein as the Driver and GTA series’ with one significant difference; you play as the one and only Vin Diesel.

 

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/nw0iz7MIhAQSI/giphy.gif

Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/nw0iz7MIhAQSI/giphy.gif

 

Sitting with a score of 58/100 on Metacritic, I think it’s fair to say that critics didn’t “get” Wheelman. Users gave it a total score of 70 indicating that at least some actual players “got” it, which is not too shabby a result for one giant “so bad, it’s good” title!

 

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Exhibit A – the loading screen

 

The small few who clearly missed the point provided some meaningless grounds for their low scores trying to justify their lack of understanding by most likely treating it as any other game.

 

Lobstilops summed up the frustration of those out of the loop giving it a 0 and went on to state…

“LOL. Just come here to see some guy making a bunch of accounts to raise the score. 0! The game was terrible. Just doesn’t compare to much better games like Saints Row and GTA. Sorry.

 

We’re all sorry that you weren’t included in Vin Diesel’s epic joke Lobstilops. Even though coldddawg1 made it super obvious that sometimes the worst things are actually the best with his stellar 10/10 review…

“wealmin iz a gud gaim but i compleatid it ded fast bekuz am ded gud at it, de best prt abwt weelmin iz dat u cn be van diezel. e iz a dad gud aktor an e iz gud in iz muvie carled fast and futuruz 2 china town warz

 

Compelling and rich.

Despite the fact that this game is friggen’ awesome and contains a lifelike recreation of Vin Diesel (which surprisingly hasn’t been exploited into hilarious 3D porn – only slightly NSFW link – using Steam Film Maker for some unknown reason) running around driving the cars and rampaging the streets of Barcelona. Get ready to sky dive into my 5 reasons you should play Wheelman.

 

1. It genuinely looks really nice

I’ve played my fair share of throwaway games especially for this bi-weekly Sunday column and I can tell you that the team in Tigon and Midway must have put in the shift as Wheelman looks like a game of its time should. The models are well done, animations are smooth even the damage on the car looks realistic even though you more than likely obtained it through an unrealistic collision. But it doesn’t stop there…

 

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You can see the terror in the eyes of the police

 

2. The city of Barcelona feels right and looks the part

Piggy-backing on my above point, Barcelona looks fantastic. They really nailed the look and feel of the city and though it can feel a little bit depopulated at times (which Barcelona never is) I have to hand it to them for making such a valiant effort. You’ll enjoy driving through the streets and smashing cars into bends. Oh yeah, did I mention that…

 

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You can also adopt the traditional driving off the side of a building

 

3. You can perform ‘moves’ in your car

Do you know the way in fighting games you can perform special movies with a series of button presses? In Wheelman you only need a car, a direction and a single button to perform crash enabling nudges or straight up ramming police cordons to maximise innocent lives lost. Watching cars and bodies fly sky high as you effortlessly ruin their day/lives is a sheer joy. I think you are the good guy – you are Vin Diesel after all – but I skipped almost all of the cutscenes so I can’t say with certainty so all this destruction may not be a good thing. You know what is a good thing though…

 

4. You can perform crazy stunts not always from behind the wheel

It wouldn’t be able to compare to a classic Vin Diesel movie if you couldn’t airjack another vehicle or perform 180 degree car turns allowing you to dispense a few rounds into windshield of any would be chasers. It’s these over the top touches that really drive home (pun intended) the sheer ridiculous balls of Wheelman and for that I commend it!

 

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Wrecks like this don’t make the news…?

 

5. You can get it for a €5

As always, your ‘ol pal Reyce won’t steer you into an expensive recommendation and Wheelman is no exception. Ignore all the negative points you might see about Wheelman and jump right in. The naysayers either didn’t get it or want to keep this hidden gem all to themselves in their sleazy underground gaming sex dungeon.

 

Playtime Per Euro:

€5 / 3 hours