Hype is a terrible drug that seems to swoop down on the gaming community and slowly burrow itself into the psyche of the people turning them into giant ass-hats that defend an as-of-then completely unrated game that could potentially go down the shitty hill… or maybe, if we’re all unfathomably lucky, live up to the giant unstoppable freight train that is the hype machine. No Man’s Sky is one such title.
As is the prime requisite for all video games covered on Guilty Gaming, No Man’s Sky sits with an underwhelming score of 60 on Metacritic which is ironic given its complete polarisation of general populace. Given said division, the user review ammunition is almost too easy to find and so bountiful that it’s actually hard to narrow them down! Vithonil has one and only one review on Metacritic right now: it’s for No Man’s sky and it’s a 0/10:
I waited 2 years for this ****. **** Hello Games, **** Sean Murray and **** No Man’s Sky. I’m getting a refund.
You are promised a visual nirvana of sexy exploration (bit like Brexit)
in it’s place you get a loop of start/crash/start/crash (bit like the labour party
British Labour Party – a profound new video game comparison. Without further ado, let’s take a look at No Man’s Sky and the 5 reasons why I think you should like it… or, you know, at least play it.
1. It’s like you’re actually exploring space
A hallmark of all great space games is that they actually make you feel like you are in space and that they give you a vast amount of places to go and explore. Regardless of whether you believe the universe should be jam packed with life or if most planets should be soulless husks the reality is this – most planets are actually shit in real life so this is actually a fairly accurate simulation of space. Look at our own solar system, only 1 in the 8 (or 9) of the planets have interesting life on them. Speaking of interesting lives…
2. You’ll be able to talk about it online or with your friends
If you play No Man’s Sky you’ll finally be able to chat about it with all your inferior friends or others online who clearly bought into the pre-launch hype machine and are now stuck with a game that they got super excited about but so far, has been met with sheer mediocrity. You’ll be so smug it might actually hurt! More on that later.
3. It’s like a survival crafting game except without all the assholes
Remember when Seán Murray promised everyone that you’re really unlikely to run into others and we all collectively thought “Wow”? Well he was right as it turns out multiplayer experiences don’t exist despite being told that it can happen (it’s just unbelievably rare). The good news is you can go about the dull void of space crafting to your hearts content without having to worry about some jerk ruining your ‘fun’. Which means…
4. You could potentially play it forever
When there’s nobody there to stop you and *SPOILER* no real ending to speak off, you could literally be in the sky of no men for all of eternity, floating in the vast vacuum of space waiting for death to finally coming and show mercy to your in game character and spare them from a life filled with sorrow and hollowed dreams and it will come, eventually, unlike in real life where it’s waiting around the corner because….
5. You can get death threats if you hate it
Yes, you seriously can/will get your life threatened if you dislike the game. That’s how zealous fans of No Man Sky are: the online equivalent of ISIS members fervid with a promise that will never ever come to pass. It’s insane really, just like all those people on the internet that have begun listing the various philosophical interpretations of this shit-pile game. In case you couldn’t interpret the sarcasm of this entire article, don’t buy No Man’s Sky – it’s average at best.
Playtime Per Euro:
€20 / 1 hours