I assume everyone here has heard of a little game called Pokemon GO and the various incidents revolving around it. As of writing this article there is a breaking news story of 2 men falling off a cliff trying to catch a Pokemon. Yup this is what the world is now but at least we’re having fun even if we’re all massive nerds. The only person here not playing the game is Manny because of an undying core value he holds dearly, and wrongly in this instance, which is “all mobile games suck” and refuses to play any of them. He also hates accumulating stuff which is what Pokemon GO basically is except it’s digital stuff and not physical items taking up space. Zero craic yo! Having played the game for the past week solid I thought I’d take you on my journey so far trying to “catch ’em all” but all I really wanted were 5 ‘mons in particular. Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, Eevee and Growlithe are on my high priority list to get regardless of what other ones pop up. So come with me as I regale you with my tales of catching these little bastards some of which were an incredible pain in my hole.

During a walk through a local park I had a Bulbasaur pop up a few times as I ran feverishly in all possible directions but up looking for this massive vegan wet dream. Instantly I wanted it. My original goal when the game was announced was to catch the starter Pokemon, including Pikachu, and having a Bulbasaur show up got my pants wet. After about a 20 minute walk, lot of excitement, anxiety, spattering of appearing and disappearing Bulbasaurs I managed to get one to pop up and triggered the catching phase of the game. As someone who learned his lesson before this I decided to use a berry along with one of my coveted Great Balls to nail down this catch. I let fly with the ball and Brrt! Nothing. The game froze on me and I had to do a hard restart of the game. The Bulbasaur was no longer there.Fuck…this…game man! I did manage to get one later from an egg but whatever, piece of shit. It’s not the same!

If you’ve followed Pokemon Go news lately you’ve come across those wonderful stories of people making friends over Pokemon. Pokemon friends one might say. Friend, Pokemon Friend!

I found out that one of my work colleagues was playing the game. We decided to spend time on our lunch and use a lure on the nearest Pokestop in order to get a more diverse cast of characters in our Pokedex. While I was burning through and catching a butt-load of Pidgeys, Rattatas and Weedles a man walked up to the stop and froze on the spot. He took out his phone and only once did he look up and our eyes instantly met (no homo). I automatically knew. It’s one of those times your brain clicks and everything makes sense. I nod a knowing nod and smugly blurt out “Pokemon?”. The man reciprocated my nod and we hung out with this Pokemon stranger-friend until our lure ran out. During this time I found out he’s a filthy Valor casual, so no more meeting up with this guy for fake Pokemon catching and that’s when it happened. In the dying seconds of the lure I saw a Growlithe pop up. I shat my pants instantly but figuratively. I’m known for my legendary first impressions with new people, ask Manny, and I didn’t want this to be another anecdote in the ledger of shit Adnan moments. While I composed myself like the adult man I am, I caught this fucker instantly with a regular Pokeball and crossed him off my list. Woohoo! After this was over myself and my work colleague bee-lined it back to the office because we didn’t want to be a headline on Kotaku as two people who got fired for playing Pokemon GO.

I caught my very first Eevee while I was in the car getting a lift home from work. We were driving down a road in parallel with a river and it popped up which is weird. Why a river of all places? Surely that’s where the Goldeen live not Eevee. Get your Pokemon Lore right Niantic. Initially I was elated because this is my favourite Pokemon of all time. It’s a small puppy with a fox tail on it. It’s fucking adorable! If you don’t think the same then I will fight you, that is no lie. I was absolutely the clinger in this relationship because he’s my favourite and I just wanted to be around him. However as a 45 Combat Power Pokemon he was instantly ground into candy to beef up a better 425 CP Eevee that eventually turned into a monster. In my head canon only the strong survive meaning that the weak Eevee got nommed on by the stronger ones which then leveled up into this beast of a creature:

Pokemon GO Vaporeon

He hasn’t been beaten at the gym yet!

I caught my only Squirtle beside a garbage dump. No really. Sometimes these things don’t have any background to it, he just showed up and I threw a ball at him. Also I have yet to catch a wild Charmander. I know I picked one as my starter but that’s not the point dammit! Do I have to climb up a fucking volcano to catch one? Fuck you mate! You come off your fucking volcano mountain and fight me like a ‘mon! That’s my journey so far and as of now I have caught 47 of the 51 Pokemon I’ve seen mostly due to game crashes and the pricks running away after me throwing just one, one ball at them. Shower of bastards!

Pokemon safely friends and always chant the following sentence to yourselves over and over when you’re out and about trying to catch one:

I don’t want to be a statistic!