Developer: Capcom (and more)
Publisher: Capcom (and more)
Format: DOS
Released: August, 1987

I’m sure most of you have played a Street Fighter game at some point in your life. If you are anything like me Street Fighter 2, in one of its various iterations, has played a big part in your childhood. You know all the characters, their iconic moves, its probably one of the few games you’ve played with a parent and you appreciate the beautiful SNES cartridge art in all its glory. And that’s great but you know what’s not great? The first ever Street Fighter. In fact I’d go so far as to say its a big steaming pile of shit and puke mixed together into a pulpy mess I will now dub ‘Shuke’.

 

Street Fighter 2 Art

Look at this beauty! Source: rgame.nl

 

Now before I get into describing my abysmal experience with the father of the fighting game let me just clarify that this review is based on the MS-DOS version. I know their are multiple versions out there and my attempts to get any emulator up to run them failed miserably. If I’m stuck with this gruff then you are going to have to hear about the sheer level of suck this game has on offer and I don’t care if you’ve played another version and think its good because this version has made your comments null and void and I will never ever touch any version of the first Street Fighter ever again.

 

Alright, so before I go further I think it’s worthwhile listing the very limited things that are good about Street Fighter.

 

The game looks alright. Though it has no impact on anything else within the game the opening splash screen is actually quite lovely. It serves as a fine example of what was capable at the time using simple colours. The logo likewise rings true throughout and the timeless design is still being used today albeit slightly less pixelated. The stages are excellently done and again are a fine example of making the most of the available hardware at the time. There’s a lot of detail gone into the stages and it shows as the 4 available stages are all really unique and have multiple layers of depth not that you’ll be paying any attention to the background as you mercilessly get slaughtered. With all the above said it’s a pity that this is one of those things that I’m not precious about (hence why I’m reviewing 30 year old games) it really doesn’t help to chip away at the mountain of shit the rest of the game is.

 

Fight stage

Blue and brown grass… just like Japan

 

Characters are really well made and each displays its own personality in its design and are easily identifiable from each other. Especially Joe – guess which country he fights in? – who has arms that seem to fold over and over each other. As is a prime requisite of all western martial artists he’s a shirtless macho-man. There’s Lee, the Chinese martial artist who dresses in changshan and smacks of a Kill Bill character though admirably not of the Bruce Lee variety – that was done later in the series. You’ve got Birdie the Brit with a mohawk. From what I can tell he might be loosely based on Ian Dury (of Ian Dury and the Blockheads) based on the stage having a building called ‘Block Head’ but I could be stretching. Finally you have Retzu, the bald japanese martial artist who… uh… is Japanese. Each are animated with their own fighting-style and winning pose which further helps set them apart.

 

Street Fighter Joe

Fix your arm Joe, you freak!

 

…and that’s it for the good stuff. Now ready for the bad?

 

The game plays like your hands have been bound to a cactus and move at a quarter the speed  of real life. Remember that scene in Dredd where the bad guys do Slo-Mo? Imagine you are taking that drug but the computer still moves in real-time. I tried every stage between 10 and 20 times each which equates to at most an hour of actual time as each round is 30 seconds long and I usually only last about 10 seconds – that’s 6 seconds longer than I last in the bedroom. In total I landed about 3 hits. I couldn’t tell you what constitutes a landed hit and a miss but I do know that the computer is either a cheating git or the Neo of MS-DOS gaming, either one is plausible. The game keeps record of your score during these fights but I’ve no idea what for and I don’t particularly care either. The score seems to reset after each fight and I never won a match to find out what happens. Yes, that’s right, I never won a single fucking match. I’m not shit, this game is just balls and broken and can fuck right off. Just watch this bollocks:

 

Again, the music has been added for extra fun times…

 

With no story to speak of, which is fine given the age of the game, (a staple of all modern fighters) your options are to cycle through the 4 available stages and just keep the same fights going endlessly creating my own version of hell. There is a mutiplayer option but I wouldn’t even dare to ask a friend to try this out with me in case they got sick on my carpet. “But Reyce”, I hear you cry, “Street Fighter invented a whole genre!”. Yes it did, I at least admit that. But in many ways that’s just like being the inventor of the guitar, Adolph Rickenbacker. He may have invented it but he’s not exactly Jimi Hendrix. Unlike with Wasteland, I can’t envision how anyone could’ve created the amazing Street Fighter 2 after seeing or playing this bucket load of piss. I can respect the idea but respect does not mean that I liked it or even enjoyed it. This was a horrible experience

 

If Street Fighter was my girlfriend, I’d make a sex-tape and upload it online with the title “Shit Lay” before throwing that ho to the curb.

0/10 would bang.

If I had a bag of mickeys Street Fighter still wouldn’t get one.

More sex jokes… etc.

 

Seriously, go watch real porn or something and don’t waste your time on this scat.

 

My retro review score:
1/10